Time-Out for
Kids
Does it really
work?
When I started taking care of children in US, I was taught this method of discipline for kids called: Time-Out. When I was an Au Pair, I took care of a little boy who at the time was 3 years old. His parents told me that he was supposed to be on "the corner" around 1 min per age, so in his case, he was supposed to get in time-out for 3 minutes.
This little boy was in time-out many times per day. I rarely put
him in time-out, his parents on the order hand, used to put him in time-out
constantly. He used to scream and cry so loudly, and the parents were tired,
and nervous every time their child was in time-out. I can affirm that time-outs
wasn't changing his behavior, instead, it was making it worse transforming him into
a mad, nervous child.
One day his parents took him to their lake house, and when he
returned from the weekend, I asked him how his weekend was. He answered to me,
"I was in time-out." I asked him why he was in time-out, and his
answer to me was that he didn't know why. Believe me, most kids they don't even
know why they are in time-out. If you don't believe me do a test, and let me
know later. Ask a child the reason she or he was in time-out, they’d probably
say they don't know. However, if you talk with your child after a bad behavior
and explain why something they are doing is wrong, they'd probably have learned
his/her lesson and can tell you what they have learned from their bad behavior.
After a few months when I was more adapted to the American culture,
his parents expected me to do the same kind of kids' discipline. So, I did.
When I tried to put this little boy in time-out, all the expected
"show" started again: screaming and crying from his part, following
for an apology for something he didn't even remember, and me: tired, with a
fast heart beating from picking him up because every time he ran away from
time-out, followed by sadness from my part for seeing him crying for this kind
of discipline.
After a few months or one year taking care of this little boy, I
started to understand him from inside out. I knew when he was sad, when he was
in trouble, I knew when he was happy, I knew when he had a bad day or good day
at school. I truly knew him without he saying one word. I think most mothers can
relate to this feeling. He also knew me so well, and if I had a long day at
school too, he used to say to me, "Mari, are you tired?"
After knowing him in such a deep way, I started to not use "time-outs" or "corners" anymore. Instead, I used to talk with him. We talked a lot, all
day long :), he was kind of "my little friend", and I loved to have this new
and special connection with him. When I looked at him in a different way, just
by using the expressions on my face, I could let him know he did something
wrong that I didn't approve.
My friends used to tell me this little boy was easy because he
was a single child, and he was easy by nature. I can guarantee you, he had a
big temper with him parents, he was a very strong boy, and yes, sometimes he
drove me crazy ;), but almost all the time, he was a very easy well-behaved boy
with me, and I thank this to my new way to discipline kids: talking with them
and teaching them the differences between right and wrong.
After the au pair year ended, and I started taking care of other
children, I had a pleasure to work with an European family. Their girls were
the best girls I have ever seen. I also learned a lot working for their family.
These girls were so great that other kids' parents used to ask me how were the girl's
parents views on discipline.
Working for this family I could transform and adapt what I
already knew: time-outs don't change the child's bad behavior, it's temporary,
and it doesn't make your child to become a better and knowledgeable person.
I suggest nannies and parents do not put kids in time out, even
when it is the way parents punish their children when they do something bad.
Instead of putting kids in time out when a child breaks a rule, I suggest
nannies to try to talk with child using a different tone of voice (a little
louder than its regular tone of voice). Do not yell at a child! This is very
important because when people yell at them, they learn it’s an “okay” behavior,
and kids usually learn by copying our behavior.
I have so many "nanny stories" to tell, but I have almost used
the ‘talking discipline’ almost all the time with all different kids I babysat.
With my experience I can advice you to talk with you child, and explain to them
why what they are doing is wrong. At the end, you are going to have a well-behaved,
happy child who understands about rules, and you on the other hand, are going
to feel in control, calm, and happy.
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